Met Gala 2015

I always forget about the Met Gala until it’s happening or Rihanna tweets #7HoursToTheMet. It’s a special night in my life, despite my invite getting lost in the mail every single year. What will Beyoncé be wearing? Will Solange beat someone else up in an elevator? What weave will Rihanna be wearing? Who looks the most fucked up and what drug do you think they’re on? Kendall Jenner definitely upped the Xanax, Miley Cyrus definitely had a special smoke in the back with Zoe Kravitz and you can bet your life Kris Jenner was on a deadly combination of meds that created stretch marks on her face: 

The theme this year was China, so there was a lot of gold and weird contraptions that white stylists assumed were the perfect blend of “ethnic Chinese princess high fashion, darling.” The most white person was most definitely Sarah Jessica Parker, who should really stop going to these things and stop being so ridiculous. 

Then the internet did this and I died:

Then JLo was all like “Hola, lovers! DO YOU SEE ME WITH DONATELLA?! This is a Chinese dragon on my Italian dress but you cannot quell his Latin fire! Also, do you think the sequins look like I got my period?” (you know if anyone bleeds sequins it’s JLo). 

Then it was like, oh look, the Kardashians. Why is Kanye west always so fucking bothered? It’s like Kim has to use all of these sheer panels on her body to make up for his fucking sour face. “Look you guys, my ass! AGAIN! Don’t look at Kanye. Oh Kanye, why can’t you be happy. Kanye, Kanye, Kanye, Kanye…” 

Then I got really confused by Kendall Jenner. I think I’ve gotten so used to her being so fucking hot, she’s not so fucking hot anymore. Does that make sense? Like she looks great, but I’m like whatever, we get you have gorgeous hair and a gorgeous life and magazine covers everywhere. Could you not look so bored? It makes me bored… Can I have Khloe’s number?

Can Miley and I share whatever she is smoking? I’m not even kidding; girl looks like she got the best shit on the planet, hotboxed the limo and can’t even remember where she is.

Then Rihanna showed up. And honestly, bitch knows how to make an entrance. Right after she murdered Big Bird, she threw his carcass over her shoulders and went to show off her prize. Good for her for the spectacle and then the ensuing memes. Nothing follows a grand entrance like a pizza. 

After last year’s major spectacle of kicking Jay Z in the face, Solange came ready for battle, complete with shield and high ponytail.

I don’t know what that has to do with China, but I’m loving the whole samurai thing she has going for her. It works and it doesn’t. To be fair I would have stuck a lot of plastic products to my outfit and worn a custom made Philip Treacy that screamed Made In China, but my invite was lost in the mail.

To wrap up the night, Beyoncé, inspired by Bruce Jenner, decided she would finally admit she wasn’t even human and come out as the cyborg Matthew Knowles created so long ago (“I’ve been living a lie! I’m a robot trapped in this incredible body!” she would tell Oprah in a four hour special). While her body looks amazing, she looks incredibly creepy. Why is she making that face?

“Look at me. I am Beyoncé and I am not human. Look I pull my weave and feel NOTHING. Do you see this smile? I was programmed to smile 43 times today. I AM SO HAPPY. I FEEL NOTHING. SOLANGE? WHERE? WHO? DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE!”