Summer holidays are just around the corner and as I prepare myself to leave Egypt for the season, it’s not just my suitcase I’m preparing, but also my patience threshold. You see, normal people on holiday get your regular, run of the mill questions like, “Oh, where are you from?” or “How long are you in town for?” But not us hijabis, no, we’re subjected to a whole other level of stupid, annoying questions.

I’m tired of being an ambassador for the biggest blooming religion in the world. I’m over da3wah. There’s this little invention that you may have heard of called Google, where you can get whatever you want to know about anything. I’m not a search engine so I will not give you the answers you are looking for. I’m going to give the answers that I want, depending on my mood. Here are just some of the numerous conversations that will be generated about a little thing I like to call my hijab.

So why do you wear that thing?

-Because I’m a ninja? (Straight face, blinking obnoxiously.)

But you’re not wearing black???

-(Really?!?! That’s the first question that came to mind. Ugh! Must I also breakdown ninja hierarchy for these inquisitors?) I’m so sorry to mislead you, I guess I should explain myself better; I’m training to be a ninja. You do not get to wear all black until you’re a black belt at least. Right now I’m a...(look down to check what color scarf I’m wearing) red belt, but you’re looking at a future lethal weapon (Do really intimidating air karate chops).

Oh, that’s so pretty, but aren’t you hot???

-Nope! Not at all! (Said with beads of sweat streaming down my face) I bet you are though! Why do you think I wear this thing?!?! I have a portable air conditioner in here! The scarf covers up all the messy wires! (Roll eyes and walk away.)

So what’s the meaning behind what you’re wearing?

-(Now what this person wants me to do is to go into a controversial rant about the value of modesty, blah, blah blah, but I won’t. I know that people get uncomfortable when talking about tragedy, so I will use it to my advantage here) The meaning is to protect people from the God-awful (I included God, that’s good) scar I have from the top of my throat down to my collarbone from my bear mauling. What’s that? Yes, a bear mauled me, but please don’t ask me details, its far to traumatic for me to remember. After people started getting physically sick from looking at my gash, I decided to help humanity and cover it up.

Considering that I’m going to an island this year, I’m sure there will be more useless questions about how I handle myself at the beach:

So….do you go to the beach?

-Of course, silly! (That’s my outside voice, my inside voice is saying ‘you bloody idiot’) My first love is the ocean; I’m actually a deep-sea diver. I love my body suit so much I decided to cover-up all the time; it makes me feel like I’m in the water, even though I’m not at the beach! Hahahaha!! (Loud obnoxious laughter at awkward times makes people unsure of what to do next, I reserve it for these times specifically).

And then there are the people who think that they are helping you out…

Oh, sorry, but, your hair is showing, just there in the front. I thought you would want to know.

Response Option 1:

-Oh my gosh, thank you! Are you concerned that someone will know that my hair is dark brown? Because anyone with eyes could use their deductive reasoning skills and look at my eyebrows and come to that conclusion (Insert awkward laughter).

Response Option 2:

-(Open my eyes reeeeally wide and drop my jaw so that I am really emphasising my level of shock. Now I wrap my arms over my head and get teary eyed.) No, no, no no! (I’m hysterical, rocking and everything, fetal position optional) Now I have to chop it all off and burn it!!! (Storm off) I’ll add this under my breath on my way out: And I just got it to the length I like after the last cut…(I could also add the awkward laughter here, but I really don’t want this person to think I’m crazy.)

I know these survival tips will be crucial this holiday. I’m almost as excited to see the reactions of people, as I am to see all the sites.