Friday March 29th, 2024
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Dalia Does…The Mall

When impulse buying turns into instant rage.

Staff Writer

Dalia Does…The Mall

Some people will tell you that the last place you want to go is the mall on the last weekend before Ramadan. Some people (me) will ignore that advice, and go to three different malls in two days. After a panic attack in Carrefour Dandy Mall and looking for my car in the CityStars garage for a good half an hour, I can admit that I made a mistake. Coincidentally, some people will tell you that Egypt’s economy is in tatters. Some people (me) will just point at any of these malls to prove otherwise. I mean, those people picking up a 42” flatscreen alongside their groceries, the waiting list for the latest iPad and the unbearably packed food courts must mean people have money to spend. Or time to waste. Either way, the last place you want to go is the mall on the last weekend before Ramadan.

 Now don’t get me wrong: I love to shop, get greasy food and take air-conditioned walks as much as the next person. But with the holy month just days away and the malls packed with thousands of people either stocking up or seizing the day before the period that’s unfortunately as synonymous with sluggishness as it is with spirituality, the mall experience in Egypt loses its few saving graces. Instead, it becomes a feeding ground (or maybe a breeding ground – where the fuck do ALL these people come from?!) for an interesting cross-section of society. The mall unites people for their need to spend and consume but, like in the wild, there are very different and very distinct groups:

The Tweens. Bless them, these pre-adolescents need somewhere to go, don’t they? Often found flitting (read: running and screaming) between the arcade and the food court, they are almost always in threes. One or all of their mothers can be found chain smoking in Beano’s. Sometimes their shoes have wheels.

The Couples. Fuck it, these pre-adolescent-acting adults need somewhere to go, don’t they? You’ll find the male either nonchalantly hanging his arm around the female’s shoulders or rigidly holding it at a right angle so she can link with him. You can tell if they’re serious about each other if they actually hold hands or she’s carrying a bag that looks like it contains a teddy bear.

The Babes. This devious species don’t come to the mall for sustenance, shopping or even the cinema. They’re here to get a man. They walk in twos, their hair is freshly coiffured and they often wear kitten heels. They think they’re approximately 35% hotter than they are and you’ll find them at the food court, pushing Chinese food around Styrofoam plates. They will not say no to anyone who asks to sit with them (unless you’re a female, a family or anything other than a male in his mid-20s).

The Ultra-Babes. Migrating to the mall with the same aim as the Babes, the Ultra-Babes are a little more refined. They go directly to Zara, then H&M, then Aldo, then French Connection, then back to Zara, before settling at Mori Sushi to push Japanese food around actual plates. They will say no to anyone who asks them just about anything, but it will be the highlight of their day nonetheless.

The Boys. Moving in packs of two to five, these teens are often wearing unbelievably bright and unbelievably tight t-shirts and sometimes match their belts to their shoes. They’re here for the Ultra-Babes and will do anything for their attention. Usually found smoking in non-smoking areas and circulating the food court. Will settle for regular Babes.

The Men. For some reason, grown-up, straight men sometimes like to shop together. Never in groups of more than two, though – that would be weird. The Men can be found anywhere where polo shirts or electronics are sold before settling for an espresso or an Americano at Starbucks. Never Cilantro, never Coffee Bean. Always Starbucks.

The Family (Serious Shopping Variety). These Families are on a mission. They start at the supermarket where they pick up one to three trolleys (one for each of their children to sit in, duh) and a year’s supply of groceries. They’ll keep their trolleys for a full circuit of the mall. The father is often left outside with said trolleys while the mother tries on shoes.

The Family (Strolling Variety). This type of Family is the result of the marriage between a Man and an Ultra-Babe, followed by the birth of a baby. They look tired and stressed but there are no pavements in this country, they paid so much for that pushchair and godamnit, they’re going to use it. Can be found drowning their sorrows at the coffee shop closest to the bathroom with a changing table and/or Zara Home.

Now, I like to think that I don’t quite fit into any of these categories. I’m more of a ‘grab what I need, then a quick coffee’ type of person and I almost always shop alone. But then again, I like to think that I’ll never go to a mall again. Except for at Eid. Or during the post-Eid sales. Or if I really want frozen yoghurt.