Oscars

So this year, I’m all like I’m going to have a positive outlook on things and develop a zen attitude to life. I’m literally working out a shitload right now and stopped drinking soda. In my newfound relaxation, I decided to give awards shows a chance this year. I vowed to get mad into it and look at Jared Leto for inspiration and have long conversations about who got plastic surgery and who was on which painkiller.

Then I tried watching some of them. What happened to awards shows? I yawned through the Golden Globes, slept through the SAGs and literally asked someone if the YouTube clips from the Grammys were worth watching. Then the Oscars were all like “oops no black people, Latin people or anyone interesting was nominated for anything, soz,” basically translating into a guest list made up of variations of Jennifer Lawrence. Guys, I’m sorry, but all white girls look the same. It’s like there is one plastic surgeon and eyebrow technician that makes sure everyone has intense frowns and massive pouts.

So here is my trying to figure out who these people are and what they decided to wear in the biggest and most boring night in Hollywood.

(Sidenote: I am purposely not mentioning Leonardo Dicaprio, but since we’re here he should have won for The Basketball Diaries – Google it, you were probably born in 2001 or something. Also, Leo, can you be more desperate? I would have legit stopped even going to the Oscars in 2012 if I were him. SO glad we’re all over it.)

Alicia Vikander

Who is Alicia Vikander? Is she playing Belle in Disney on Ice? Why is her hem trying to escape inside of her? Is it ashamed?

Lady Gaga

Oh hey, Lady Gaga. I’m going to appreciate you because I recognise you. And this is a good attempt at a Cher moment. I was over you with ArtPop and then Tony Bennet and then trying to prove you could sing bla bla bla. But I like this; it’s like look, I’m a psycho, but I can come to your party and not act a fool. LOOK MA THESE ARE PANTS, ISN’T THAT COOL?!?

Brie Larson

Who is Brie Larson? This is a nice dress that has literally borrowed one trend every year since 2010. She looks really nice, like she’s going to her sister’s wedding at the Four Seasons Nile Plaza.

Kerry Washington

“Did no other black people come? Smile Kerry! What would Olivia Pope do? Thank God I look a little like a penguin, so I can be a harmonious symbol of race in America. Shit, smile girl, just smile.”

Jennifer Lawrence

I get Jennifer Lawrence; she’s literally the one person in Hollywood that can act these days, but I still hate her. Also, her dress literally looks like her nipples are leaking ink onto her wedding dress.

Jared Leto

Why, Jared Leto? A flower bowtie? I want to think this is cool, but I’m too old and rational. Get it together man. This is no way to follow up the best hair I’ve ever seen.

Rachel McAdams

Did Rachel McAdams just wrap a satin sheet around her dress? I love it though! (That’s the ugliest effing dress I’ve ever seen).

Cate Blanchett

Cool Cate Blanchett, whatever. I am never going to be a fan of things stuck on dresses, particularly flowers. She looks like a mashtal.

Kate Winslet

Kate Winslet, did you think this looked anything other than a trash bag? Seriously asking.

Heidi Klum

Why is Heidi Klum even invited to the Oscars? What the actual fuck is she wearing as well? It looks like something from Project Runway she was contractually obligated to wear.

You guys, where is Cher in a weird two-piece suit and a feather headdress? Where is Gwyneth in pink Calvin Klein? Where is Bjork? Where are the big bows? Where is Jennifer Lopez in slutty Versace? Where is anything remotely interesting? YAWN.